Gibson Can Suck It

Dear Diary, Damn that Charlie Gibson. Bush Doctrine. Total trick question. I want to field dress Charlie like a dead moose. I studied the Monroe Doctrine but he didn’t ask that did he? I still say if I can see Russia from an island in Alaska then I can be the leader of the free world. I can’t wait until the subject switches back to lipstick. I wanted to work on some funny jokes about lipstick. I’ve was even gonna write them all by myself but that George Bush speechwriter wouldn’t let me. When I’m Vice President, he’s for sure gonna get fired. I’ll send him on a bridge to nowhere.

Cover Girl

Dear Diary, Sorry I haven’t written in sooooo long. I’ve been really busy. I go all over the place giving speeches. Well, not really speeches more of just one speech. I give the same one over and over. It’s not boring at all because everyone is so excited to meet me. I’m more famous than Meryl Streep or Tanya Harding. I got to be on the cover of People Magazine. It’s fun. All the conservatives are even excited that Bristol is pregnant again. Except my new staff told me when I talk about the pregnancy not say the “again” part.

Republican National Convention

Dear Diary, I’m here at the Republican National Convention in Minnesota. This is about the farthest I’ve ever been from home. Good thing I got that passport. I’ve been in this room so long. They won’t let me out or talk to anybody. All I do all day is study. I could just shoot somebody right in the face. Hey, Diary, that’s funny. Shoot somebody in the face. Isn’t that what Vice Presidents do? They wrote some really mean stuff for me to say about Barack Obama. It’s really funny. I’m gonna make fun of him being a community organizer but I’m not so sure anyone’s gonna get that cause no one knows what that is. I saw on TV everyone is buying my Kazuo Kawasaki glasses. Obviously, the economy isn’t as bad as they all pretend if people can go out and buy $375 glasses.