Gibson Can Suck It

Dear Diary, Damn that Charlie Gibson. Bush Doctrine. Total trick question. I want to field dress Charlie like a dead moose. I studied the Monroe Doctrine but he didn’t ask that did he? I still say if I can see Russia from an island in Alaska then I can be the leader of the free world. I can’t wait until the subject switches back to lipstick. I wanted to work on some funny jokes about lipstick. I’ve was even gonna write them all by myself but that George Bush speechwriter wouldn’t let me. When I’m Vice President, he’s for sure gonna get fired. I’ll send him on a bridge to nowhere.

Cover Girl

Dear Diary, Sorry I haven’t written in sooooo long. I’ve been really busy. I go all over the place giving speeches. Well, not really speeches more of just one speech. I give the same one over and over. It’s not boring at all because everyone is so excited to meet me. I’m more famous than Meryl Streep or Tanya Harding. I got to be on the cover of People Magazine. It’s fun. All the conservatives are even excited that Bristol is pregnant again. Except my new staff told me when I talk about the pregnancy not say the “again” part.

Republican National Convention

Dear Diary, I’m here at the Republican National Convention in Minnesota. This is about the farthest I’ve ever been from home. Good thing I got that passport. I’ve been in this room so long. They won’t let me out or talk to anybody. All I do all day is study. I could just shoot somebody right in the face. Hey, Diary, that’s funny. Shoot somebody in the face. Isn’t that what Vice Presidents do? They wrote some really mean stuff for me to say about Barack Obama. It’s really funny. I’m gonna make fun of him being a community organizer but I’m not so sure anyone’s gonna get that cause no one knows what that is. I saw on TV everyone is buying my Kazuo Kawasaki glasses. Obviously, the economy isn’t as bad as they all pretend if people can go out and buy $375 glasses.

Barack Obama

Dear Diary, Barack Obama gave a speech on TV last night. Gosh, he’s really, really smart. Especially for an African American. That sounds bad, diary. I didn’t mean it. I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body. Everyone thinks Alaska is all white but we’re only three quarters white. We actually have a 4% African American population. Anchorage even has two Popeye’s Fried Chicken Stores.

Well the news is out about me being the new VP and my life will never be the same. When you’re running for office your life is an open book. That’s what I told Track. I said it’s a good thing you’re going off to Iraq cause if you were to stick around here and continue to shoot oxycotton into your veins you’d be grounded Mister. Even though Cindy’s a junkie too but I think people kinda forgot about that her stealing drugs from a charity on account of her being so pretty and all. Hey everybody has their little foibles. Around here, we’re all real people from small towns… like Abraham Lincoln and Jesus Christ.

Humbling, Humbling. Very Humbling

Dear Diary, I can tell you and only you that I am frightened. Being the new kid in town is a scary thing. I just about flipped my banana clip when John McCain called me. I mean the Vice Presidency of the United States. This is bigger than winning Miss Wasilla. Only this time I’m not gonna lose the big contest. It is humbling, humbling, truly humbling. But I know I can do it because obviously this is what Jesus wants me to do. Just like he wanted me to have all those babies. I didn’t say no to Jesus getting me pregnant and I’m not going to say no to Jesus wanting me to do whatever it is Vice Presidents do.